Top Ten Signs To Stop Reading

[kerravonsen]

Signs in fanfic that mean I should stop reading the story, because it won't be worth finishing it. I don't always listen to myself, though.

Deadly:

1. Bad spelling, punctuation and other signs of illiteracy. This includes:
* Misuse of long words (e.g. "decapitated arm") or confusing one long word for another (e.g. "conscious/conscience").
* Apostrophe misuse; not just the common your/you're, but even worse, adding apostrophes to plurals (e.g. "adding apostrophe's to plural's"). What do they teach them at these schools?
* More than one sentence whose meaning I cannot parse, due to grammar fail. If I can't understand what is being said, why should I bother continuing?
2. Non-American characters calling their mothers "Mom", and other egregious Americanisms such as "prom", "junior high" and "peanut butter and jelly sandwiches".
3. Major character names being misspelled (e.g Villa, Lilly, McCloud). If they can't get even that right, you can pretty much guarantee they won't get the characterisations right either.
4. Author's notes interjected into the middle of a paragraph.
5. Character assassination. Characters who are canonically good being portrayed as evil, with no explanation why. Or perhaps there is an explanation why, but it happens too late in the story, because I've already stopped reading it.

Warning signs:

6. Characters with non-canonical nicknames (e.g. Danny, 'Mione, Sev).
7. Smushed-together names for "pairings" (e.g. Spuffy, Snanger, Dramione).
8. Non-American characters knowing recipes for American goodies such as snickerdoodles or brownies, especially when they don't appear to know recipes for British goodies.
9. Detailed descriptions of the clothes, hobbies and/or musical tastes of a character when these have no bearing on the plot.
10. Non-American characters suddenly deciding to go off to America, and the majority of the story is set there.

And, yes, I have seen every single one of these. Even the "decapitated arm". That was in a B7 one-story fanzine I read many years ago, which also had the gems "dual triumvirate" and "in a strategically walkable manner".

Comments

[deird1]

Interesting! I'd have a similar list.

8. Non-American characters knowing recipes for American goodies such as snickerdoodles or brownies, especially when they don't appear to know recipes for British goodies.

...never realised that they didn't have brownies in the UK. Wikipedia reckons they're solely American, but they're very popular in Australia. I didn't know the rest of the world was brownie-deprived. *has learnt something*

[kerravonsen]

Australian too, but I've always been aware that brownies were an American import, possibly because we didn't have them when I was a kid, but I did see them on American TV.

[thedivinegoat]

We do have brownies. I'd be very surprised if someone from the UK wasn't familiar with brownies, and didn't have as much idea how to make them as any other cake recipe.

We know they're an american thing, but they are a common american thing over here. (Actually there probably are some people who don't know they're american in origin, they're that common)

[tree_and_leaf]

Chiming in to say that brownies are normal these days, and I remember having them in my childhood. So Harry Potter characters having them would be fine. (Narnia characters, no, unless you want to have Susan going on about them post VOTD - but I doubt you'd be able to bake them in the UK of that period, because of rationing).

Snickerdoodles, on the other hand, no. I only know what they are because I have a RL American friend.

The opposite mistake, incidentally, is making Americans eat banoffee pie, which 90% of the British population is convinced is a typical American treat, but is almost unknown over there, and I believe was invented in Wales.

[kerravonsen]

The opposite mistake, incidentally, is making Americans eat banoffee pie, which 90% of the British population is convinced is a typical American treat, but is almost unknown over there, and I believe was invented in Wales.

Ha!

Other oddities:

* The English don't eat English Muffins.
* Americans will eat pumpkin pie but not pumpkin soup.
* Chinese Fortune Cookies were invented in San Fransisco.

[tree_and_leaf]

Indeed. (Well, I think English muffins are more or less what we'd call 'muffins', but the name is definitely wrong).

I don't understand how you can have plentiful access to pumpkins and not try making soup out of it (though possibly I'm biased by liking pumpkin soup and being indifferent at best to pie).

On an unrelated note, you're so right about non-canonical nicknames.

[fred_mouse]

On pumpkin soup - my brother in law (Canadian) makes something that he calls 'squash' soup that is bright orange, tastes just like pumpkin, and is made from'butternut squash'. I guess that makes it a regional variant?

[kerravonsen]

That sounds like butternut pumpkins to me.

[fred_mouse]

tastes like it too!

[tree_and_leaf]

"peanut butter and jelly sandwiches".

Although I've known the odd (very odd) British person who likes that sort of sandwich, they'd still call it "peanut butter and jam". And be considered a bit eccentric ("What, you like that stuff?")

[vilakins]

Totally with you on all those deadly signs. I permit the Bizarro B7 stories all their Americanisms only because they're very, very funny.

Someone once recced a Jeeves & Wooster fic which I abandoned at the first "gotten"--not in the narrative but spoken by Bertie. Just. No.

[tree_and_leaf]

Bertie does use Americanisms, but not at the level of syntax, so that would be a good sign to bail...

[fred_mouse]

I've always considered myself to be a tad on the picky side, but numbers 6 and 7 were things that made me go 'huh'? In the places where I find stories, a lot of them have those awful smushed together names (and one of the comm names is said name with _fic on the end). Similarly, the pet names seem to be ubiquitous. I'd *rather* not have either, but I don't tend to find them indicative of the likelihood that I will like the story.

Incoherent summaries, or 'gee, I have no idea how to describe this' - these I need to learn to flee from. Even if someone I trust has recommended it.

[kerravonsen]

That's why they're warning signs; they aren't necessarily deadly to my enjoyment of a story, but they are indicators to me that the author is careless.

Incoherent summaries, or 'gee, I have no idea how to describe this' - these I need to learn to flee from.

Good point. I never bought the excuse "I can write a story, but I'm no good at summaries." Huh? I find it incomprehensible that summaries are somehow magically different from general story writing. If one is the author, surely one knows what one wrote? Nine times out of ten, if the summary is lame, so is the story.

On the other hand, I've also read some excellent stories where the summary was beautiful but gave absolutely no indication of what the story was about. Which made it hard to decide whether I wanted to read the story or not. But at least it indicated that the author could write well.

[fred_mouse]

That's why they're warning signs

doh. I didn't make the distinction between the two categories that you had.

And I agree about summaries that make me wonder what the story is about. On a good day, I give it a chance, especially if the rest of the headers are clear and comprehensive. A beautifully written but unclear summary had better either tell me 'chose not to warn' or make a statement about if there are relevant warnings, because those are the things I tend to rely on the summaries for.

Does that make sense? I've been working in math space, and I'm a bit vague on actual sensible language use right now.

[jomacmouse.livejournal.com]

That was in a B7 one-story fanzine I read many years ago, which also had the gems "dual triumvirate" and "in a strategically walkable manner".

I remember reading your demolition of that one, solely because of those two quoted phrases. They didn't sound good then, and they still don't sound good now, even though I seem to be trying to invent excuses for the first one (a double triumvirate? But still, there'd be another word for that if I looked it up, surely?).


(edited for unclosed italic tag)

[kerravonsen]

I predict that fanzine will be remembered for its badness long after the last copy has been mulched.

[jomacmouse.livejournal.com]

Not having read it, I can't say, but as you have, does it sound to you as though mulching is the last way it should be disposed of, lest it do ill to plantlife?

[kerravonsen]

Since plants don't read, it will do them no harm.

[jhall1.livejournal.com]

"Sexumvirate"? Perhaps not. :)

[jomacmouse.livejournal.com]

Perhaps not, indeed. Maybe I should just be grateful that kerravonsen did not report that it was a "duel" triumvirate.

[rothas-writing.livejournal.com]

"in a strategically walkable manner". - I'm sorry a what? XD

Also are brownies not global? I've had them since I was a toddler in the UK, didn't know they were indigenously American.

[kerravonsen]

"in a strategically walkable manner". - I'm sorry a what? XD

When I first read that phrase, I couldn't even begin to guess what the author had intended.

Also are brownies not global? I've had them since I was a toddler in the UK, didn't know they were indigenously American.

Interesting. Dare I ask how old you are? Because me, not from the UK, but from Australia, and when I was a child (nigh on thirty to forty years ago, golly I feel old), they weren't available here, but they are now. I'd always assumed they were an American import, like iced tea and M&Ms.

Having Hermione baking brownies and snickerdoodles will always cause cognitive dissonance for me. Especially snickerdoodles, which I hadn't even heard of until I read about Hermione baking them in fanfic. Twice. Apparently they're just cinnamon-sugar biscuits with a strange name.

[rothas-writing.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah. Snickerdoodles I can't see, brownies, yes, but so long as they're done right. I suspect American brownies =/= British ones. Scones. I'd see Hermionie making scones... And I'm twenty. ^^

[kerravonsen]

It hadn't occurred to me, but yes, scones would make perfect sense. And also confuse the Americans. Scones with jam and clotted cream. Yum.

[reapermum.livejournal.com]

Brownies would be OK, there's a recipe for them in Delia Smith's "Complete Cookery Course" 1978.

Snickerdoodles? Never heard of them, they sound as if a Snickers bar is one of the ingredients.

ps I'm 61.

[jhall1.livejournal.com]

Being a not very with-it 62 year-old Brit, I'm not at all sure what brownies are. We certainly didn't have them when I was a child, or at least not under that name.

[jhall1.livejournal.com]

A very common misspelling which annoys me is "rouge" for "rogue", though it can sometimes be unintentionally funny.

[feliciakw.livejournal.com]

May an American chime in?

Snickerdoodles are one of my favorite cookies. Doing a little cursory research, they're either German, use a German name, or no clue where the name came from other than being silly and German-sounding. (In other words, who knows.) Wouldn't surprise me in the least if they were purely American.

Brownies, for those who don't know, are like chocolate cake, only heavier and denser. (Though not as heavy and dense as an eggless or flour-less cake.)

I'm not sure why scones would confuse Americans. Scone mix is available in the baking section of any grocery store, and fresh baked scones are often available at your better or more upscale bakeries. I love scones. (I'm not sure if my Scotch-Irish background has anything to do with that or not. :-) )

Along those lines, one of the things that bothered me in "translating" Harry Potter for an American readership was when they compared quidditch to soccer. I understand why they made the change, so as not to confuse American children. But my first thought was, "It's not 'soccer' over there. It's 'football'." It could have been used as a nice teachable moment.

Of course, otoh, I had to be reminded that cars are right-hand-drive in the UK, and had to mentally adjust the picture in my head when they took the flying car to Hogwarts.

This is also why, if I were ever so inclined to write a Dr. Who or Harry Potter fic, I would be scared to death to do so, as I'm sure my American-ness would be obvious to the point of distraction and quite unacceptable for storytelling purposes.

[kerravonsen]

This is also why, if I were ever so inclined to write a Dr. Who or Harry Potter fic, I would be scared to death to do so, as I'm sure my American-ness would be obvious to the point of distraction and quite unacceptable for storytelling purposes.

That's why one gets a story Brit-picked by a native Brit. It's just another layer of beta-reading. Don't be scared.
Part of the reason I find Americanisms annoying in British fandoms is that the author didn't bother to have their story checked. A sign that the author didn't care. You aren't like that.

[jaxomsride.livejournal.com]

Brownies are okay, considering when Hermione was supposed to be a child. Though I have no idea what snickerdoodles are either.

Mind you I do have a WI recipe book for biscuits and they don't get a mention though "chocolate quickies" do. Making a chocolate quickie though just sounds wrong!

A similar quickie recipe here:

http://coeliac.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=choc&action=display&thread=768

I know what you mean though. No Americanisms please, we're British!

I hate that in professional books too. Frankie Thomas wrote two Holmes stories. He mentions "sidewalk" instead of pavement and has Holmes hearing a possum in the bushes!
More than one Historical romance has the same mistake making it all too clear the Nationality of the author. Sometimes I am tempted to write a "guide to British" pointing out the main errors.

decapitated arm Poor Travis!! He's lost his head too.

strategically walkable manner". What??? Is there any contextual hint to indicate what the author meant or does everyone boggle at this? I hope English wasn't their Native tongue, otherwise no excuse for such mangling of the English language.