Unasked-For Advice is Always Unwelcome

[kerravonsen]

Sit down and pull up a chair, I'm about to give a rant. I can't remember if I've ranted about this subject before, but I'm about to do so now.

This rant is brought to you by a few comments on a YouTube video which... well, the video was looking at blood-glucose levels as related to things like breakfast and drinking coffee. That was fine, the original video was sufficiently qualified in its statements and was interesting. But then someone in the comments mentioned they were diabetic and immediately some well-meaning person replied "Look into resistance training".

No. Just no.

It doesn't matter how helpful a person intends to be, all unasked-for advice is unhelpful. Why? Because it isn't advice, it is criticism. It says "Why haven't you done whatever-it-is?" It says "Your problems are easily solved and therefore trivial". It says "You are stupid/ignorant/lazy because you haven't fixed it already with this simple solution". It says "Your suffering is your own fault."

These pieces of medical advice are always given by people who are not qualified in medicine. Medical professionals know better than to give advice when they don't know the details of the condition. Especially not advice to random people on the internet that they've never met. And even non-medically speaking, anyone who is an expert in something (and I speak as a computer expert, okay?), anyone who is good at solving problems, they aren't going to toss out suggestions without asking questions first. Because the more you know about a field, the more you are aware that things that may seem similar on the surface can be quite different from each other once you know a few more details. A one-word description of the problem doesn't cut it.

And yet some people jump in as soon as they hear the words "diabetes" or "obesity" or "sleep apnoea" or "insomnia" or....

Who do you think you are, random advice-giver? Who are you to tell me what to do? You know-nothing ignoramus, you don't know a thing about me, what gives you the idea that you can solve my problems? I did not ask for your patronising condescension, you useless busy-body! If I'd wanted advice, I would have explicitly asked for it.

Don't be that person. Next time you feel the urge to pass on something you read in a magazine, or something that worked for you but might not work for everybody... take a deep breath and ask yourself, "Did this person actually ask for advice, or did they just mention their state of being?"

Comments

[watervole]

and yet, in at least once case, a random comment of exactly that kind produced something that was helpful to me, that I hadn't thought of and my doctor hadn't suggested.

Not saying that it's a good thing, but it isn't always bad.

[kerravonsen]

(nods)

I know, but I'm sick of well-meaning people making me feel worse.

But I think.... thinking further on this... that unasked-for advice from people who have the disease in question... is less offensive... but only if they aren't trivializing it. I mean, like, I remember someone with a mild case of sleep apnoea saying to me "oh, you can train yourself out of it, I did." (headdesk) No. No I can't. My sleep apnoea is VERY SEVERE. Not even just "severe", but "very severe" (and yes, that's the official diagnosis, thank you for asking).

Yeah... I've had a lot of headdesk-y moments related to this...

[watervole]

It was a person with sciatica who gave me helpful information on cycling.

When it comes to sleep apnoea, my comments are usually limited to "I have other friends who suffer from it, and it sucks"

It's a tricky path. People always mean well, but unless they have a chronic condition themselves, it's hard to understand how often people get offered the same advice that isn't relevant in your case.

I imagine it can be a bit like black people being asked "Where do you come from?". It's not often intended in a negative way - more as a conversation opener - but it must really grate.

[kerravonsen]

Thing is... if all one can say is "they meant well" that generally means that they did ill. Meaning well is not good enough. I've been hurt over and over by people who "meant well". That just means they aren't being malicious, it doesn't mean they get a free pass to hurt people.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

[watervole]

Hug.

[jhall1]

Isn't your giving us the advice that unasked-for advice is always unwelcome something of a paradox? :)

To be serious, I agree with you. When I fill in some marketeer's questionnaire that asks me how likely I am to recommend the product/service I've just bought to my friends, I always wonder who these people are who give out unsolicited recommendations to their friends willy-nilly. I feel that if I did that I soon wouldn't have any friends. I really ought to tick the "0" box, but I suspect that would be misinterpreted as saying that I hate the product, so I generally go for a boring "7".