Patches And Tatters

[kerravonsen]

With the death of Robin Williams, depression has become a very topical topic.

Some good links:
* Hyperbole-and-a-half: Adventures in Depression and Depression (part 2)
* I had a black dog, his name was depression
* Ten Lies Depression Tells You
* Erika Moen: I want to live


With these brave examples before me... I think I can speak up. Not everyone's experience of depression is the same. I can say that with authority because... yes, I suffer from depression myself. Kind of a side-effect of the screwed up brain-chemistry that happens when you have a chronic disease which messes with your ability to sleep properly. Compared to some, I'm lucky. I haven't had the detachment and deadening of feeling that some experience. I haven't had months on end of unnameable sadness. I have other things, though.

You know how people use the phrase "like water off a duck's back"? Which kind of means that things just slide off you, don't bother you. Like you've got oil like the oil on a duck's feathers that make a duck waterproof. With me... it was like I'd been caught in a detergent spill. I had no oil, I had no protection; everything that could possibly bother me, bothered me; everything that could possibly upset me, upset me.

But I still had my foolish pride. I felt that I ought to be able to cope, that I ought to try harder; that it was all in my head and I ought to have better control of myself. It wasn't until I broke down crying in my doctor's office that I consented to take anti-depressants. I felt like an utter failure even as I did so, because I was admitting defeat.

Fortunately for me, the anti-depressants actually did help. It wasn't that they made me happy or spaced out or anything like that. It was like they put the oil back. I could deal. A bit better, anyway.

That's not the only effect depression has on me, though. The second thing is acute, and it still happens to me from time to time... just not as often or as long as it used to. This thing is the Depression Spiral, the Black Hole, the Dementors. For me, a depression spiral usually gets triggered by something that upsets me, hurts me, makes me feel bad about myself. Not every time, just sometimes. Fine, getting upset can happen to anyone. But most people don't get dragged into a black hole of negativity, where anything that could be faintly positive is gobbled up in darkness. Hence, the Dementor analogy; something that sucks all the happiness away. Or a black hole, which sucks all the light away. Why a spiral? Because it feeds on itself, and gets bigger and bigger. This is where the "Ten Lies Depression Tells You" fits in.

The twisty thing about it is that Depression Is Not Rational. You could tell me all the most reasonable, logical, sensible reasons not to hate myself, but when I am in the middle of a depression spiral, every single one of them will be twisted into something negative by my brain. If you tell me uplifting tales about people who overcame similar things, I will beat myself up for not being as strong/hopeful/successful as them. If you tell me that things could be worse, I will beat myself up for being whiny. If you tell me that God loves me, I will beat myself up for being ungrateful. If you tell me not to beat myself up, I will beat myself up for beating myself up. It is very twisty.

The worst part is the feeling that it will never end, it will go on forever, that things will never get better, they will only get worse. That's where the "wanting to be dead" comes into it. And yes, I agree with the distinction that more than one of the articles above made: it isn't that you want to kill yourself, it's that you want to be dead. I wanted God to strike me with lighting. I wanted it to be over. Over and done with. Some days I felt that the only thing I was any good at was enduring. Oh, I really grew to hate the word "endure". In regards to myself, it did not evoke visions of trees by riversides or ancient mountains. No, endurance was an endless desert, parched and bare and empty, where I had to put one foot in front of another, just Because. Not to reach the other side, for there was no other side. Endurance was treading water in a landless ocean; not floating, no, treading water, aching in every muscle to stay in the same spot. How I wished I could just give up and drown! But I wasn't allowed to. There are some traditions that consider suicide to be an unforgivable sin because one can't repent of it afterwards. Not that I didn't fantasise. Though reading the alt.suicide.holiday FAQ did convince me that far too many methods were unreliable, more likely to turn one into a vegetable than a corpse. That was a fate worse than death.

People have remarked "but why didn't Robin Williams know that he was loved?" They're missing the point. It isn't that you don't know that you're loved, it's that you feel unlovable. The fact that anyone loves you is irrelevant, or, if anything, a burden. Just one more burden in the unbearable load of burdens on your back. Suicide attempts are not some bloody "cry for help"! As far as the depressed person is concerned, there is no possible source of help in the entire universe. It might be possible for other people, but not for them. Oh, yes, there is one persistent delusion of a depressed person; that good things apply and work for other people, but not for them. Forgive everyone else, but never yourself. Love is deserved by everyone else, but never yourself. Healing may come to other people, but never yourself. We're special that way. 8-P

As I said, Depression Is Not Rational.

I am lucky; my depression spirals rarely last more than a day or two at most. I still get overwhelmed in the middle of them, but at the same time I can recognise that they are not rational, and that helps me not to internalize the lies as much.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. That's all that anyone can be expected to do.

Comments

[cheyinka]

I couldn't reply on your next post, so I'm replying here - I'm not in a brainspace where I can read people talking about depression right now, but in general I am reading your posts and such :)

[jedibuttercup]

I don't have much to say, either. Just, 'yeah, truth' and thinking about how I keep telling my mother that: "one foot in front of the other, take it a second at a time if you have to."

Six months gone, and she cries herself to sleep still every night; she was already on antidepressants even before Dad died. And now she keeps saying things about how she understands now how her father was feeling when he killed himself. I thank God regularly that she already had a trusting relationship with a good therapist and a close friend who'd also been through a sudden severe loss before it happened, and that she sees my brother's kids several times a week; I can't be a support for her without her taking me down with her. (Experience talking, there.)

[kerravonsen]

*hugs*

I can't be a support for her without her taking me down with her. (Experience talking, there.)

One of the hard things I've had to learn is to recognise when I need to withdraw for my own self-protection; times when my "oil" is thin and I cannot deal with people. So I applaud you for your wisdom.

[travels_in_time]

I hear you.

[kerravonsen]

8-)

[waterfall8484]

That was bravely done! I'm sorry you have to deal with this. *hugs*

When I was young I used to get black holes as well, and I still remember that as one of the most horrible experiences of my life. Everything was wrong, nothing would ever get better, and I would be quite hysterical about it. Thankfully I had my mum to help me, and my psychologist, and for me it was 'just' my way of thinking/reacting and not related to depression.

My experience was probably quite different than yours is, but I just wanted to let you know that someone else understands at least part of what you're going though. I hope you have someone to hold you when things are bad, you deserve it.

[kerravonsen]

(oh good heavens, that icon is a cuteness overload!)

That was bravely done! I'm sorry you have to deal with this. *hugs*

Thank you. The irony of this is that if I wasn't in a pretty good state right now, I would not have had the ability to make this post at all.

but I just wanted to let you know that someone else understands at least part of what you're going though

One of the wonderful things in the midst of this sadness of Robin Williams' death is all the people who are coming out of the woodwork to say "I understand" and "he's not the only one / you are not alone".

[waterfall8484]

(oh good heavens, that icon is a cuteness overload!)

(I know! :~D I love it.)

Thank you. The irony of this is that if I wasn't in a pretty good state right now, I would not have had the ability to make this post at all.

Heh, that's being alive in a nutshell. :~/ I'm glad you did, though, and that you have somewhere to talk about it if you need to.

One of the wonderful things in the midst of this sadness of Robin Williams' death is all the people who are coming out of the woodwork to say "I understand" and "he's not the only one / you are not alone".

Sometimes that's all you can do, I suppose. I was hoping it would help a bit - pain shared and all that.

*more hugs*

[miamadwyn.livejournal.com]

I've been lucky. The antidepressants work for me. My depression isn't the suicidal kind, but the gradual awareness that at some point I've lost the ability to focus, to move, to do anything but sit and stare, and sleep a lot. Not fun, but not as horrible as some.

It's a horrible disease any way you look at it, though. I wish I'd figured it out much earlier because it damaged a lot of my life.

[kerravonsen]

It's hard to recognise when you're in the midst of it, because you think "that's just the way life is".

[jaxomsride.livejournal.com]

People have remarked "but why didn't Robin Williams know that he was loved?"
There is a world of difference to knowing this in your mind and believing it in your heart.

The saddest thing is not that he took his own life, but that people refuse to allow him the dignity of doing so.

There have been a few points in my life when I have coldly, rationally considered it, but in the end I was just too plain stubborn to quit.

[kerravonsen]

There is a world of difference to knowing this in your mind and believing it in your heart.

Agreed.

The saddest thing is not that he took his own life, but that people refuse to allow him the dignity of doing so.

I'm afraid I'm with House here - there is no "dignity" in death, there's just death. There's no dignity in taking your own life, just despair. Sometimes despair is all one has, but dressing it up with words like "dignity" is a mistake.

but in the end I was just too plain stubborn to quit.

Even you use the word "quit" to describe it. Is "quitting" something that gives one "dignity"?

[jaxomsride.livejournal.com]

Ah I meant dignity in the sense that people should allow him to make his own choice and respect him for that. I agree death is not dignified, its a messy smelly business. To give way to despair like that is terrible but being angry at him or branding it as selfish is lessening him as a human being with the right to make his own choices.

PPS

[jaxomsride.livejournal.com]

One of the reasons I contemplated quitting was that I had ME for over 2 years. I was only 7.5 stone to start off with and had dropped to 6 and was getting weaker and weaker.

I decided that killing myself was letting the disease win, so I didn't. Which was just as well as I got better.

[imhilien.livejournal.com]

*gentle hugs*

[reynardo.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sorry, been so tired the last few days and only just seen this.

[kerravonsen]

I figured you were busy with your placement.

[kittylefish.livejournal.com]

*hugs* i have had my bouts with depression in the past. i remember thinking about suicide with regard to just wanting the emotional pain to stop. at the time, i wasn't sure how else to accomplish that, so i get that feeling. fortunately, i always felt like killing myself would be letting 'them' win, whoever that is, so it kept it at bay during those dark days.

and now my spiritual and healing journey has led me to a place where things are very different, fortunately.

[kerravonsen]

fortunately, i always felt like killing myself would be letting 'them' win
Oh yes, that method certainly works; trouble was, with me it wasn't just pain, but exhaustion. I was sick of having to keep fighting.

Right now I'm in a pretty good place, or I wouldn't have been able to make this post. That's one of the paradoxes of it: being able to talk about how awful it is... is an indication that it isn't as awful as it was, because when it is really awful, one can't talk about it, because talking takes fortitude that one doesn't have.

[izhilzha.livejournal.com]

Now that these insane last two weeks are past, I finally have time to look at LJ again!

Excellently written (and excellent roundup of links). I've not experienced chronic depression, though I have many friends who do--but some of your descriptions sound very familiar from bouts of situational depression that I have gone through. (In fact, early this week I though I was dumping straight into that again--but I saw it as Not Rational this time, and that did seem to help a little.)

Thank you for your openness.

[kerravonsen]

*hugs*