kerravonsen | As Requested

mistraltoes requested I have expanded the Xander-pillow ficlet into a longer story, though this is still quite short, and some might still call it not a proper story. Oh well. I also included the Buffy-putty-faced ficlet idea as I was going.

Unfortunately I can't think of a title, but here it is.

(Untitled)

by Kathryn Andersen

***

"Ooof!"

All the breath went out of Xander's body as the demon threw him against the tree. It turned back to where Giles and Willow were chanting over the fire.

Distraction, you're supposed to be a distraction, Xander thought as he pulled himself to his feet. He opened his mouth, but was beaten to it.

"Hey, putty-face!" Buffy called out as she sprang in front of the creature. It did indeed look as if it had been molded roughly out of putty or clay, with only black holes for its eyes and mouth.

Hey, that's my line, Xander thought as Buffy kicked and punched at the demon. Even Buffy's actions were just a distraction, because none of her blows were able to connect with the creature, as it flowed out of the way of her hands and feet. It was solid enough when it hit back, though.

It had just tossed Buffy aside again -- a toss which she naturally turned into a backflip -- when Giles and Willow shouted together, "Accompli! Accompli! Accompli!"

A cloud of pink smoke surrounded the demon, and it shrieked, high and thin like an old-fashioned tea kettle. The smoke whirled, faster and faster, spiralling tighter and smaller, until it vanished, the demon vanishing with it.

***

"Giles, have you ever thought of investing in a more comfortable couch?" Xander squirmed uncomfortably as the bruises in his back made themselves known.

"That's what cushions are for," the Englishman answered mildly.

Buffy perkily threw a cushion in Xander's face.

"Thanks," Xander said dryly, and put the cushion behind his back. Thanks to Slayer healing, Buffy probably didn't have any bruises at all.

Buffy turned back to Giles. "So, do you think we'll be having any more of those liquid-clay demons turning up?"

Xander ignored the continuing slayage post-mortem. It wasn't like he had anything to contribute to the discussion. It wasn't really like he had anything much to contribute, full stop. Buffy was the muscle, Giles was the brains, Willow was the brains too, and the magick. She and Giles had stayed up all night researching the spell they'd used. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Willow yawning next to him. What was he? He was the comedy relief. Something light and fluffy -- like a pillow. He had the muscles of a pillow, that was for sure. As useless in a fight as a pillow. Xander sighed. Mister Pillow-man, that was him.

His eyes turned back to the general conversation. Buffy was gesturing excitedly, and Giles was shaking his head. Something bumped Xander's shoulder.

He looked down. Willow was using his shoulder as a pillow.

Pillow-man, indeed! For a moment he was tempted to wake her up, but instead he put his arm over her shoulders, and she snuggled unconsciously closer. What was he moping about, really? Worried that he wasn't a macho hero? But he was here, he stuck around after the hero departed into the sunset, he helped pick up the pieces. Provided comfort and rest. Mister Pillow Man! Because isn't that what pillows are for?

Xander smiled.

Please critique.

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: anthony stewart head + george sarah / music for elevators -- All the Fun of the Fair

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

mistraltoes.livejournal.com

[g] I think it is a perfectly proper story, or at least it will be if you focus it a little more by drawing more attention to Xander's feelings in the first half.

[Misty rolls up sleeves] I should warn you, you've really inspired me the last week or so with all your two-minute fic, the fic reviews, the progging, the icons, and now this. I think I've hit full-on beta mode, so [waggles eyebrows] watch out!

(Hm. We haven't really done this before, have we, so let's just point out that these remarks are what I would do with it, not necessarily what you should do with it, because our tastes differ some, and that's okay.)

Okay, first: love that you put the two ficlets together; was not expecting that at all. I expected a sweet little Xan-Will vignette. Which, of course, is one of the things I love about fanfic, seeing how everybody thinks differently about the characters and stories.

All the breath went out of Xander's body as the demon threw him against the tree. It turned back to where Giles and Willow were chanting over the fire.

Distraction, you're supposed to be a distraction, Xander thought as he pulled himself to his feet.

If you are saying that (a) the monster is going after Giles and Willow and (b) that Xander is supposed to keep it from doing same, that could be a little clearer. I think that the weak link is the phrase "turned back to where".

Also... it might be good to give the demon a species name, if you think Xander would know it (which is a good possibility if W & G have a spell prepared for it).

He opened his mouth, but was beaten to it.

That's just a tad vague; beaten to what, opening his mouth?

"Hey, putty-face!" Buffy called out as she sprang in front of the creature. It did indeed look as if it had been molded roughly out of putty or clay, with only black holes for its eyes and mouth.

Nothing wrong here, but I miss the "flesh-coloured" from the original ficlet, and the nice strong verb "poked".

Hey, that's my line, Xander thought as Buffy kicked and punched at the demon. Even Buffy's actions were just a distraction, because none of her blows were able to connect with the creature, as it flowed out of the way of her hands and feet. It was solid enough when it hit back, though.

This paragraph is a good place to reinforce Xander's dilemma *and* his POV by emphasizing his place on the sidelines - it could be as simple as "...Xander thought, as he watched Buffy kick and punch...", or it could be some more elaborate introspection re his own comparative inadequacy as he watches her. Because that will set up and connect to the second half.

The transition from the first to the second sentence in that paragraph is awkward, though. Could be fixed by saying "But even Buffy's actions..."

It had just tossed Buffy aside again -- a toss which she naturally turned into a backflip -- when Giles and Willow shouted together, "Accompli! Accompli! Accompli!"

Yay for Giles with mojo!

A cloud of pink smoke surrounded the demon, and it shrieked, high and thin like an old-fashioned tea kettle. The smoke whirled, faster and faster, spiralling tighter and smaller, until it vanished, the demon vanishing with it.

I love this paragraph! I want to hold it and squeeze it and call it George. It's specific, it's easily visualized, and it appeals to multiple senses; apart from that (or more probably because of that) it's just cool, and I want magic spells in Buffy fics to be cool and original and vivid. Yay!

(I can't believe this. I'm over the limit. More in next post.)

From:

mistraltoes.livejournal.com

Continued...

"Giles, have you ever thought of investing in a more comfortable couch?" Xander squirmed uncomfortably as the bruises in his back made themselves known.

"Made themselves known" is a tad vague.

"That's what cushions are for," the Englishman answered mildly.

Buffy perkily threw a cushion in Xander's face.

If there's some cause and effect between those two sentences, you could make that more apparent.

"Thanks," Xander said dryly, and put the cushion behind his back. Thanks to Slayer healing, Buffy probably didn't have any bruises at all.

Buffy turned back to Giles. "So, do you think we'll be having any more of those liquid-clay demons turning up?"

All your characterization is very good, BTW.

Xander ignored the continuing slayage post-mortem. It wasn't like he had anything to contribute to the discussion. It wasn't really like he had anything much to contribute, full stop. Buffy was the muscle, Giles was the brains, Willow was the brains too, and the magick. She and Giles had stayed up all night researching the spell they'd used. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Willow yawning next to him. What was he? He was the comedy relief. Something light and fluffy -- like a pillow. He had the muscles of a pillow, that was for sure. As useless in a fight as a pillow. Xander sighed. Mister Pillow-man, that was him.

More good Xander. I wonder, have you got some time in mind that this is set? It's hard to tell without any SO's, save that Xander's still having issues about his usefulness, but those recur.

Oh, and I didn't notice it until about the fifth time through, but Xander would be more likely to use the American "period" than the UK "full stop". Which is annoying, because I prefer "full stop". I suppose it could have rubbed off from Giles, perhaps?

His eyes turned back to the general conversation. Buffy was gesturing excitedly, and Giles was shaking his head. Something bumped Xander's shoulder.

Could use a better transition from sentence two to sentence three.

He looked down. Willow was using his shoulder as a pillow.

Ooh. I think it's a mistake to use the word pillow right there; it actually deadens the effect of the next sentence and paragraph. You could say something like "Willow had fallen asleep on his shoulder," or "Willow's head was nestled comfortably on his shoulder," something like that.

Pillow-man, indeed! For a moment he was tempted to wake her up, but instead he put his arm over her shoulders, and she snuggled unconsciously closer. What was he moping about, really? Worried that he wasn't a macho hero? But he was here, he stuck around after the hero departed into the sunset, he helped pick up the pieces. Provided comfort and rest. Mister Pillow Man! Because isn't that what pillows are for?

Good paragraph. And again I wonder, when is this set? Who is the departed hero--Riley? Angel? Not that you should necessarily put this in the fic; it's good to have the reader wondering sometimes. But I do wonder.

And now just here is where I might re-insert the sentence from above in its original form, "And Willow was using his shoulder as a pillow." But that's just my taste, and it may be too sentimental (which I'm pretty much not, but I can't always judge sentiment in writing).

Xander smiled.

Yeah. Me, too. Thank you for writing this; I like it. I do hope that my enthusiasm hasn't flayed you alive. [g]

From:

mistraltoes.livejournal.com

You know, this piece and the two-minute fics have me in mind of a writing technique that I've been meaning to try, and that you might be very good at. You pick your subject and set the timer for five minutes and write. Then at the end of the five minutes, you check to see if you still have the forward energy, someplace to go from where you left off; if so, you do another five minutes from there, but if not, you backtrack to the last place you felt the energy and start your next five minutes from there. And you just continue on in this manner, until you have a complete draft.

Hmmm... I think I will try this technique on the extremely mushy Willow/Snape ficlet that sprang fully-formed into my head while I was writing this critique. And it's ALL YOUR FAULT! [g] But rats, it's past my bedtime and I don't want to forget any of it so I'd better go make some outline notes really fast... Later, dudette.