I Didn't Burn Something

I don't cook much. What I do is normally on the level of tossing together a stir-fry (and of course, my ice cream experiments, if that counts as cooking when nothing is actually, you know, cooked).

However, today, for no particular reason (unless craving sweets counts) I wanted to Mess With Stuff. Which I never do. Except I did. And I was fully expecting it to be awful, and burnt and stuff. And it wasn't.

Oh, what did I do?

Well, I wondered what would happen if I took some cocoa butter and a tin of evaporated milk and put them together with some sugar... I had a vague idea that one makes caramel with sweetened condensed milk and sugar, but I didn't have any condensed milk. So... It was rather a journey towards the unknown...

First I took a couple of lumps of cocoa butter (yes, lumps) and melted them in the microwave.
Took the little bag of fructose that had been sitting in my cupboard for a long time, and stirred six tablespoons into the melted cocoa butter.
Poured in one tin of evaporated milk. Stirred.
Decided I definitely wanted something caramelly but flavoursome... so I added in three heaped tablespoons of Extract of Malt (the syrup, not the Malted Milk Powder that is more common).
Did a bunch more stirring.
Put the whole lot back in the microwave, and watched it bubble, and kept on increasing the time. At least five minutes of that.
Thought it wasn't sweet enough, so put in the rest of the fructose. Let it bubble some more.
I can't quite remember the order of this, but there was a point where I thought it still wasn't sweet enough and added a cup of icing sugar.
However the other interesting thing was... it got to a point where it looked like we had strange oily brown stuff, and little lumps of light brown stuff all through it - really quite strange and odd-looking, and not at all attractive. So I thought, hmmm, perhaps this needs some emulsifying. So I added some Soy Lecithin, and then stirred the bejusus out of it with my Bamix. I'm not sure if it was the Lecithin or the stick blender, but it turned into a nice smooth caramel-coloured liquid, slightly thickened.
So I put it in the microwave again, and watched it bubble again. For at least another five minutes.
Then I took it out and used the stick blender on it again. And tasted it again (trying not to burn my finger). And it was caramelly. And sauce-like.
So I declared it done.

Caramel sauce!

So I poured it into a couple of jars, then had the last little bit on some ice cream, and it was delicious!

And I will never be able to reproduce this recipe again, because I was doing no measuring whatsoever.