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Jan. 20th, 2011
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HOWTO Be Encouraging
Jan. 20th, 2011 11:14 am1. Never give unasked-for advice.
To someone who is discouraged, unasked-for advice sounds like criticism.
2. If you are giving advice, always couch it in terms of "I found X helpful to me".
Giving your personal experience means that you are walking alongside the person, not pontificating at them. If you don't have personal experience of a similar situation it is probably better not to give advice.
3. Saying "I know you feel" may or may not be helpful.
If you have been in a similar situation, showing empathy and reassurance can be awesome. It can backfire if you come across as downplaying the difficulty of their situation (either because you don't want them to worry, or because your situation was worse), as the person could become discouraged because they aren't coping with it as well as you did.
4. Speak encouraging truths.
Flattery is lying, and lying is BAD. They are your friend. You like them. Remind them of why, remind them of their good qualities. There is no need for flattery, and truth is a much stronger and enduring piece of encouragement.
5. Saying "I know you can do it!' may or may not be helpful.
Sometimes it is just the thing the person needs. Other times it backfires horribly, especially if the person considers themself to have already failed at something, because they patently can't do it, and saying that they can is either flattery or criticism (since they ought to be able to do it, and haven't succeeded).
6. If you can't think of anything to say, give a hug.
This can be an Internet {hug} or a hug in person. Hugs are good (except physical hugs when the person is in physical pain - ouch!).
To someone who is discouraged, unasked-for advice sounds like criticism.
2. If you are giving advice, always couch it in terms of "I found X helpful to me".
Giving your personal experience means that you are walking alongside the person, not pontificating at them. If you don't have personal experience of a similar situation it is probably better not to give advice.
3. Saying "I know you feel" may or may not be helpful.
If you have been in a similar situation, showing empathy and reassurance can be awesome. It can backfire if you come across as downplaying the difficulty of their situation (either because you don't want them to worry, or because your situation was worse), as the person could become discouraged because they aren't coping with it as well as you did.
4. Speak encouraging truths.
Flattery is lying, and lying is BAD. They are your friend. You like them. Remind them of why, remind them of their good qualities. There is no need for flattery, and truth is a much stronger and enduring piece of encouragement.
5. Saying "I know you can do it!' may or may not be helpful.
Sometimes it is just the thing the person needs. Other times it backfires horribly, especially if the person considers themself to have already failed at something, because they patently can't do it, and saying that they can is either flattery or criticism (since they ought to be able to do it, and haven't succeeded).
6. If you can't think of anything to say, give a hug.
This can be an Internet {hug} or a hug in person. Hugs are good (except physical hugs when the person is in physical pain - ouch!).
